Last week I took the kids out twice to eat breakfast – it was one of those I don’t feel like cooking kind of weeks. Both events brought a completely new experience for me to witness.
The first outing was Tuesday to a little bakery in our small town that regularly has gluten free items. Ordering at a restaurant usually looks like me telling D what his options are and then ordering for him as he is probably trying to talk to me about his current craze or preoccupied with himself in his head. However, this time as I was walking up to the counter D was there right next to me and before I could utter a word he said this directly to the person behind the counter: “I want two scrambled eggs and a cookie on the side.” He said this TO the person behind the counter and very clearly placed his order. I’m not sure if the magnificence of this event is coming through here. The employee probably thought this is some cute little boy as might some people reading. It’s more than that. It is hours of playroom time seeping out into real life and connections with people in action. He really wanted that cookie and he knew the bakery employee was his middle man!
Ok, here’s another one. On Thursday we went to a popular and sometimes crowded local restaurant that also has gluten free pancakes. We were seated promptly and I noted D was reading the menu options as I read the menu to my daughter. Up walks the waitress and D looks AT her WITH eye contact and says, “I want the Jr. Breakfast Platter with eggs, fruit and gluten free pancake.” Again I will emphasize, he looked AT her with EYE CONTACT and placed his OWN order!! She must have thought he was a cute kid (he is freaking adorable), but this seemingly ordinary event was such a wonderful surprise and concrete example of why I am running a Son Rise program for him.
Most therapies will teach life “skills” or social “skills”. In the past we have used plenty of social stories that were somewhat useful but very scripted and full of ‘should and should nots’. Looking at people was described as a ‘rule’ and something ‘expected’. We (me and 5 wonderful, loving, amazing volunteers) are teaching D not life skills but a different way to LIVE by connecting, loving and bonding with him. We are not teaching him social skills but how to be social by playing, celebrating and guiding him. So when he goes into a restaurant and takes ordering into his own hands, it is not because we practiced ordering in the play room (which we might eventually do), but because we showed him human interaction and the astonishing effects of eye contact. In the room he gets praise and sees pure love when he gives us eye contact. In a restaurant eye contact gets him a damn tasty breakfast.
This is our new normal – seeing the efforts of our love, joining, and time in the room with him in action with other people. As he is ready and in his own time he will bring more and more of what we are teaching him into the real world as we are continually onto the next new normal.
This phrase came to me the other day. The one used in plenty of TV shows and movies when a relationship is about to end. In my case the meaning applies to quite the opposite – the renewal and strengthening of a relationship. Since starting Son Rise in March and using the principles of joining, celebration, acceptance, love, and non-judgment on D I have been able to genuinely see him. I see a happy, smart, hilarious child that knows exactly how to take care of himself. Before his autistic behaviors were judged as everything bad I could think of because it wasn’t normal. Now I understand that he does it because he finds comfort in it and it is his way to travel through this world around people that aren’t like him. We recently had an ‘off’ day when his behaviors regressed back to how they were before starting Son Rise: clumsy, hanging on me and clingy, non-stop monologues about his obsession (Skylanders is still the choice of the day) and not joining with the rest of the family’s activities. As much as he was ‘off’ that day he was completely ‘on’ the next. He was interactive, independent and completely engaged in our activities. The world was his to observe and explore that day.
One day wasn’t better or worse than the other. They were both perfect in their own way. D was showing up as himself. He knows what he needs to do to take care of himself and some days he needs a little less of our loud, unpredictable world than others but he is still the same authentic and loving boy. Hence the phrase: It’s not you, it’s me. Or rather – It’s not him, it’s me.
I was the one not being authentic. I was the one that didn’t know how to take care of myself when life didn’t give me what I expected. I was the one unintentionally holding back on love for him terrified that his behavior was an accusation on the inadequacy of my love. The phrase is not a negative eternal prognosis; it is a revelation and revolution for myself. MY LOVE IS STRONG AND POWERFUL.
Our time and interaction in the playroom since last week has been an experience beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I thought we were connected before and I have been enjoying my time with him and his continued progress, but our connection since understanding my love, which I did not even realize I was withholding, has been something I find hard to describe with words. It’s a pure human bond where time or worry do not exist. It is like we are the only two people on the planet and we know each other completely because that’s what we were bringing to the room – Just ourselves and our love.
So I’d like to sit at a café with D across the table from him and say, “It’s not you, it’s me. But I’m still working on it and I’m glad we’re in this together”.
Yes, I’m talking about my laundry! Laundry has always been a struggle – even before kids. Having kids only added to the problem. The wash and dry parts aren’t so bad but more often than not my house has a huge mountain of clean laundry on the living room couch. That continuous load then gets transferred to my bed if company is coming over and transferred again to the couch at bedtime. Boo-hoo and play me a violin, right? Don’t worry, that’s just the back story for today’s accomplishment. Five loads of laundry have been washed, dried, folded and put away. Put away, I might add, by the children.
This huge feat of tidiness would not have been possible with out frustration, gritted teeth and raised voices before Son-Rise. No kidding. Son Rise transfers beyond the playroom and beyond D’s autism. It is a life style. It’s what Bears (the original Son Rise dad) calls looking at the world through “Son Rise Eyes”.
When I run a Son Rise program and accept things the way they currently are it makes every moment perfect. Particularly perfect this morning because the kids were playing so well all morning. D and his little sister are getting along so well. They were playing together, bouncing ideas off each other and looking at each other!! Sure it’s not all fun and play all day, but this morning was wonderful. It’s Son Rise and all those hours we (including and especially the amazing volunteers) spend in the room showing D that playing with others is fun. Now he is trying that out on his little sister and she has been a willing playmate (most of the time). I was watching them play as I was folding and just savored the moment. This is what I thought parenting would be like! The laundry was so clean and folded and organized seeing it through Son Rise eyes.
So yes, I just wrote a post about my laundry and I have Son Rise and all our progress along the way to thank for it. I know the planets might not align again like they did this morning to make it incredibly easy for me to get the task done but even if daughter is screaming and son is engrossed in being a Sklylander why can’t the laundry look just as inviting and feel just as fulfilling as it did today? I think it can!
I am so grateful that I saw there was more room in my heart for acceptance in D’s interactions. This whole Son Rise experience has allowed me to see the choices and direction I have, given my situation. With the tools I have learned along the way I am an undeniably stronger and more authentic person. In realizing I have more room for acceptance in D I see that I can now respect HIS CHOICES. It has been relieving and exciting to join D in the playroom anyway he sees fit. From that starting point we play and I stretch his possibilities. No problem. However, in the house the openness and loving has been a struggle in certain situations – that was my choice. Let’s look at a before and after:
Before:
I am in the kitchen getting lunch ready. D comes up to me and starts with “Are you wondering what Skylander I am? I’m Hot Dog and you can be Legendary Spyro and we will…” At that time he wanted to interact with me as a character – his choice.
I instantly cringe because doesn’t he know that I’m making lunch here and I can’t play Skylanders right now? Does he always have to be so autistic at lunchtime? Non-acceptance and annoyance – my choice.
After:
I am in the kitchen getting lunch ready. D comes up to me and starts with “Are you wondering what Skylander I am? I’m Hot Dog and you can be Legendary Spyro and we will…” At that time he wanted to interact with me as a character – his choice.
I tell him “You can be Hot Dog all you want and that is totally cool” Knock yourself out kid. “I am going to be Mommy right now so I can make you lunch.” Self check – yup, I’m good with that. I offer him suggestions of things to do while I make lunch. He can draw a picture of the Skylanders. He can read a book or play with his toys. I celebrate him for giving me 15 minutes to make lunch to take care of him. Acceptance and guidance – my choice.
It is my choice to accept him however he shows up. Sometimes, and more than before, he will come to me as D willing to be a boy and open to interaction. Other times he wants to be a character searching for control in directing the play and interaction. That is how he knows how to take care of himself when he is overwhelmed, over-stimulated or feels that is just what he needs. I can now respect that choice. The acceptance before was only happening in the playroom when I could join in, but now I see how to accept it and offer him guidance without dropping everything to play. It seems so logical now and maybe it was all the time, but now I see him for him so much more and it feels good!
D was ‘the dog named Lingo’ for his second year of life. Then it was Thomas the Train for half his third year. He was a deinonychus dinosaur for a year and a half. It was not until he entered pre-school at the elementary school that he permitted me to occasionally call him by his own name instead of whatever character he was pretending to be. Then it was sharks his kindergarten year and rockets followed by dragons his first grade year. All these fascinations lasted six months to one year with some transition time in between and a few trial weeks of other themes. Thank goodness the Madagascar one was short lived! The point is that ever since he could talk, he communicated to us that he was not completely himself. As a highly verbal boy with an incredible imagination he was able to verbally paint his alternate reality for us.
However, since increasing his time in the playroom for the month of May and then bringing in volunteers (who are completely wonderful), D seems to be on the fast track of trying new characters out – including himself! All these shifts in scenery have led me to a huge realization:
I’ve kind of been missing the mark on the whole acceptance and celebration part of our program. It wasn’t intentional and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. The Son Rise principles are very clear on celebrating the interaction we receive from our children and accepting them as they are at this moment. So for me with a son that has spent most of his life pretending he was something else I started out with acceptance of what he believed he was at the time. For the first three months of our program it was dragons. “Thank you for telling me you want to be a dragon. I do to.” “Thank you for playing this dragon game with me.” Somehow along the way I started putting my focus on accepting the dragons (well, he said he was a dragon) and not actually accepting him as a person. Now that that’s been cleared up I can look back at pat myself on the back for all the love and acceptance I have given him that has gotten us to this point. Going forward I can be grateful and excited for this ability to love and accept him on a whole new level. That way when he comes into my room and says, “Mom, I’m Wrecking Ball today”…I can say, “Dude, that is so cool. Thank you for telling me that.” And if the next day he says, “Mom, I’m the Texas Chainsaw Massacre”… I can say, “Hey that’s rad, thanks for sharing.” Henceforth, when I say “Thank you for sharing insert character here with me,” the emphasis is on the thank you for sharing. The thing is, it does not matter what he wants to try on for the day, it’s the fact that he is sharing it with me. Yeah, I missed the mark on that one but there is no self-judgment and now I have a new direction and even more solid relationship with him. I have already felt a deeper connection and bond with him in our sessions since this realization was made two days ago. Whew, glad that’s been cleared up. Remember that chance for opportunity in the last post when I was the pissy morning mom? I took the opportunity and knocked it out of the park!
Today I was awakened by a Wrecking Ball. It’s a character on a video game that D heard about from one of his friends a couple weeks ago. We have since been playing “Skylanders” in the playroom all last week. Yesterday I allowed him to play the real video game for the first time and ta-da! he is Wrecking Ball. I mean, like….IS Wrecking Ball. Its official, he has moved onto Skylander characters (with Hank in the background). I was not expecting to be woken up at 6:15 this morning by Wrecking Ball and I did not want to be woken up at 6:15 this morning by Wrecking Ball. As I lay in bed, eyes still closed, I imagined my son had turned into an ugly little monster with a long wet tongue weapon. Nope, I did not want that so I got angry and woke up pissed. After continuing to snap at anyone that crossed my path (sorry husband and daughter) as I lay in bed D came in the room dressed as “Wrecking Ball.” I did not see a blue sluggish monster with yellow spikes, fangs and talons, I saw my wonderful, happy imaginative son dressed up and coming into the room to cheer me up the only way he knows how – by being Wrecking Ball. It was hilarious! The bad mood dissipated instantly. I am reminded that while D takes on these roles he does not literally believe he is them and he morphs the original according to his own imagination. Oops, guess I forgot for a minute that I have an autistic son. Oops, I also forgot the Son Rise foundational principles of love, acceptance and non-judgment.
It’s mid-morning now and as I think of Wrecking Ball this word comes to mind – OPPORTUNITY! Diego has a new fascination that we can use in the playroom as a motivator to teach him goals we are working on. Little sister is on board with the whole Skylander craze so they are bonding and playing together. I get practice with love, acceptance and non-judgment on anything D decides he likes. I get to explore within myself and discover why I had that immediate reaction to a Wrecking Ball alarm clock. Something buried inside got scared and chose anger as a reaction. When I use love, acceptance and non-judgment on myself I can explore these why questions and then let go of my findings if I choose to. THIS is what makes a kick-ass Son Rise program and this is what leads to happiness.
So bring it on D! Let’s get down and dirty with your Wrecking Ball…
Check out who was featured on The Thinking Moms’ Revolution today! Hell yeah, its me!!
Click on the blue sentence above to access the article.
This piece was written two months ago so there has been more learning of the attitude model Son Rise teaches and more self-reflection to get down to underlying beliefs that have since been let go. Basically, I am one happy, kick-ass effective mama. I hope that in sharing my story someone out there who could use the knowledge will read my journey and start their own Son Rise program.
D walked up to me while I was journaling today and asked what I was writing.
Me: I’ve been really thinking about my feelings and why I feel the way I do.
D: I’ve been really thinking about Hank the Cowdog. Drover is a chicken hearted little mutt.
Hank the Cowdog is a book series for young readers about Hank the dog and head of security on a Texas ranch. His adventures with Drover the dog and other various characters are humorous tales perfect for a seven year old boy that loves to read and appreciates humor in homophones and puns. So…perfect for my boy! The original Hank book was written in 1983 by John R. Erickson and now contains 61 books in the series. As a child my husband LOVED reading and listening to these books on tape (back then there were only 21 books). Thank goodness my mother-in-law is a saver and kept all the books and cassette tapes for us. We had to go to the thrift store to find a cassette player for those old tapes! The reason all this is relevant is because Hank is fast becoming Diego’s new fascination.
This took me by surprise because for the past three months we have continually been playing, learning through and building on dragons. This boy was obsessed with dragons! He would only do math worksheets if I customized them to dragon word problems and equations. He would greet me every morning with something about dragons – He was my dragon alarm clock! We read nine How To Train Your Dragon books and a huge Dragonology reference encyclopedia. As a Son Rise mother I learned to love dragons also. I mean, I REALLY liked playing dragons! Now I see that maybe I, too, was obsessed with dragons. I have to laugh at myself for this one because here we have the rigid autistic boy moving more freely and with more flexibility than his mother.
Its ok, I’ll be alright. This is clearly:
1. An opportunity to bring new kinds of games and forms of flexibility into the room.
2. A move in a new direction because with past obsessions (dogs, trains, dinosaurs, sharks, dragons) he became that character. He WAS a dog who put fur on to get dressed, a train that ate coal at meal time, a deinonychus that loved raw meat, a shark that had two rows of teeth. However, this transition is different because although we play lots of imaginative play with Hank and Drover in the playroom…he hasn’t claimed to be any of those characters outside of the room. Currently, he claims to be ¾ boy and only ¼ dragon still.
3. Our Son Rise Program in action and working! See #2 underlined sentence above. Our hours in the room and now our volunteers as well are stretching and challenging him into unchartered territory. He is testing the waters out where he can be an active participant in our family. I have been joining him in his world and obviously been enjoying myself. Now he is slowly but surely joining us in ours and having a pretty good time.
As with everything about him, I will take this growth with love, acceptance, fascination and enthusiasm.
Dragons will always remind me of where and what we were at the start of our Son Rise journey and be a token of my gratitude for finding this program, my son and self rediscovery.
P.S. To this day our downstairs restroom is called “The Puppy Bathroom” because that is where he learned to potty train at age 2. Those were the days he was “The Dog Named Lingo” and would only use the restroom if I referred to it as the puppy bathroom.
At age 6, his bottom permanent teeth grew out of his gums before his bottom front baby teeth came out so he really could say he was a shark – just look at the double row of teeth.
Last week I started advertising for volunteers to join our Son Rise Program. The search was sent out into the world with this specific purpose scratched into my journal: ‘The purpose for volunteers in the playroom is to give Diego the opportunity to play with and connect with other people. It is a gift I am giving these volunteers to welcome them into our program!’ Out went the online postings and paper fliers on community bulletin boards to join D’s team…and then they came! Three wonderful women who not only want to play with my son but want to do it so completely that they are studying the Son Rise method on their own time and are open and welcoming to training and feedback after each session. I am so grateful for a world where people are able to give themselves so unselfishly to others. People that look at a situation and see an opportunity and room for growth. These are exactly the people I set out to find and look what we have here!
All three visited our playroom and met D this week. Two of them have already had sessions. It is so heartwarming to see them play and love him in the room. It is so wonderful to see him make genuine connections with others. These volunteers are coming into the program open-minded, non-judgmental and full of love and acceptance. I understand how it is easy for D to connect with them!
So let’s recap. I put out our story asking for a team. A team is created in a week. D gets people to connect and play with. I get help to stretch and challenge D’s potential through the Son Rise program’s Developmental Model. Little sister gets time with me when volunteers are in the room. Volunteers say yes to an opportunity of a lifetime. Our family instantly grows by three people. And a partridge in a pear tree. Wow!
Every day keeps getting better and better since starting our program and will continue to do so as we add more amazing people to our team.
Every day I walk into a building, we call it ‘the shed’ behind our house and hunker down for four straight hours of play with my son. I have been playing with him while at the same time developing his social interactions for the past three months. This journey has allowed me to accept and see him for who he really is without expectation or comparison to other seven year olds. Turns out he is a pretty incredible little boy and tons of fun! At times it seems like I am on this path all by myself as I am the only person that goes in the playroom but when I stop to really look I am reminded of how wonderfully blessed we are to be surrounded by people that love and want to help Diego try to reach unlimited possibilities.
First of all there are all the people that donated funds toward my tuition for the third of three Son Rise Program training weeks which I attended last week. I was able to raise 2/3 the tuition cost of the class as well as a donated airfare ticket to New York from friends and family who were able to monetarily contribute to this cause. There were even two complete strangers that gave to my son!! The continued progress of our program is directly benefited by those generous people and everyday that I walk into the playroom I will remember them and bring the thought of them in with us. Today when I created a game specifically to work on his developmental goals based on his motivations and he laughed, giggled and learned – that was because of those donations!
As I mentioned above, I attended the third of three Son Rise Program training weeks. There were 85 other parents sharing experiences, listening to mine and allowing me to grow wiser and stronger in their presence. I will bring them into the playroom as well.
There are the 45 parents that attended Maximum Impact, the second Son Rise Program. Together we opened up to each other and shot our programs to a new level in understanding and believing we are Forces of Nature for our children.
There are the 90 parents from the initial Start-Up training week that started this journey at the same time as me. There are all my Facebook friends that like and share our story and help create an awareness that love and acceptance can lead a child out of their autistic world. I will take all these people in the room with me.
That is about 300 people who have thought, shared and given to our program. I am NOT alone on this journey! I am surrounded by the love and support of our own little village helping in some way to raise my son. In our case it is a Viking village because it is the Vikings that train the dragons – of course!
Our program is now entering a whole new phase as I am seeking volunteers to come into the room and play with Diego. I am excited to extend an invitation to allow others to physically come into our shed and am excited about the learning and possibilities for growth that everyone will experience. Watch out D, you have some Astrids, Hildes, Ivars and Leifs coming to join you!!
Love, Recovery, Dragons 